one morning in november

I'm only posting this long-ago draft up because I am determined not to blog (properly) until my new template is up! But since I feel sorry for you guys who have nevertheless, came back faithfully everyday, I've decided to dig up some old drafts. It's a very angry post, but remember, this was then. At 2 in the morning, weeks ago!

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2am;

Image source: Hold Me II

I believe that one is only sad, angry and whatever feeling it is, only because one chooses to be. I tell you, I can now make tears roll down my cheeks, and then the next minute I can laugh until my stomach hurts. And on the next cue I can evoke strong unChristian-like hatred and anger in me that you can literally feel the heat if you are next to me. Feelings and emotions non-existent, unless of course if you choose to be.

However I find that certain emotions are harder to handle. For example, anger. I am more easily angered than upset, I don’t know why! When someone I really dislike says or does something to annoy me, I usually get so fired up that I find it hard to breathe, literally!

My head goes blank and all I can feel is my heart beating so fast and the angry curses spewing out. I get angry faster than I get sad. So quick to anger, and so strong, that I even cry! Crying out of anger, have you heard before? I think only extreme anger can lead to this. Therefore I must’ve gotten really really angry really really often. It’s pretty sad actually, as I was a rather mild person back when I was younger. What constituted the change of behavior in me, I should think is peer pressure and media influence. And no this is not an essay on what creates juvenile delinquencies in the country, instead it questions, What made me become what I am today?

Back to angry tears, I think that I very seldom cry out of sadness. Whenever something upsets me I would go do something fun like read a book, jog (hardly fun during the pulling-yourself-up-from-the-couch and huffing-and-puffing moments but omg do I love it when the session ends!), or write musings like this. Taking the advantage of disadvantages to create works of art sounds like a very intelligent theory to me. When famous artists have painted scenes that touched their hearts, heartbreaking scenarios of lovers saying goodbye, a hungry child crying for her mother. Which then hang on galleries to be viewed and loved by many. The one moment of ‘weakness’ memorialized forever. Taking advantage of a disadvantage. I think it really clever indeed.

And since I can’t paint to save my life, I try to recreate memories of my life in words. Happy moments are harder to write as I find that I am usually too busy enjoying those moments to write about it. Even if I do think of a clever line to describe the moment, I would usually forget it the next hour.

Image source: write

However it is easier to recount musings and thoughts-heavy days. But whether people actually read and care that I once felt xxx on abc day is another matter, and entirely unimportant to me, for since when has other people’s feelings mattered to me?

It’s karma I tell you Sam, karma.