you’d think…

(A really outdated post, heh.)

*

At times, I frown upon the seemingly immature things that other people do and say. I secretly think to myself, how can one not act their age, especially when you are what they call a fully aware and self controlling adult?

I have seen and experienced cases in which older people have acted and done things that I as a younger person know that is wrong and that a better alternative is available. But why they did it anyway still eludes me. Until, that is, the day that I did something stupid myself.

Throughout that day, it seemed as if I couldn’t control myself. As if my body and mind were two separate things that function independently. As if I was watching my body act by itself from afar. All throughout that day, I could only focus on one thing, and that one thing made me all a-flustered, a-blubbered, a-little-less-like-myself. The whole day I acted so childishly, yet I was conscious of it the whole time. And the weird thing was, try as I might, I couldn’t control myself! I told myself, please Sam, get a hold onto yourself. Stand straight and smile…even if it was fake!

I tried hard, really I did! But until now I am still wondering…why wasn’t I able to? I looked away every time our paths crossed. I pretended you were invisible. Every time the one thing that annoys me about you happened, I told myself, you are not worth it. And there I was acting like I was back to my 13 year old self, back when I pretended people invisible every time our paths crossed. That was when I knew that this had gone out of hand.

The reason why I wrote this whole load of nonsense is actually because I want to apologize. For ignoring you when you tried so hard to talk to me. For pretending you are not there even when you’re standing next to me and nudging my shoulders. Even when what I really wanted to say was ‘I think you’re real hot’.

But what I did instead was look away. I think you were genuinely puzzled at the way I acted. Truly, I myself also don’t know why. We may have only knew of each other’s existence for less than a month and have only spoken a few words, but all I know is that I want to cry, literally, when I recalled acting the way I did. How stupid I was to have almost spoilt everything.

Now all I can do is say sorry and hope for the best.