Wednesday, April 21, 2010

musings on a hot evening

It’s quite funny when you think of it: a 45 year-old, tired of all of life’s obligations and responsibilities in the body of a 19 year-old.

Yes, I am so sick and tired of my daily routine. I am so sick of all the days when I have to wake up at a certain time because I cannot be late for morning class. I am so sick of certain nights when I cannot stay at home alone and take a break from the storm of the day’s hectic-ness because I have to go work, teaching something that I have no deep passion for, to people whom I know can feel my increasing impatience for the subject.

It’s so strange not to want to go out with friends every night, to meet people, when you are barely 20 and at the brink of the ‘fun’ years. More so even when I am alone for most part of the day though strangely I don’t feel upset or lonely about it.

Oh wait, I have.

I spent the best part of January this year going out with my friends almost everyday, but then crying myself to sleep every night, feeling so lost and…useless. There were a few reasons:

1. I was almost living alone, although I had a sibling with me we avoided each other and barely communicated, and if we did all we did was argue, making both our lives thoroughly miserable. We seldom do already nowadays, though maybe only because we see each other once a month or so.

2. I couldn’t get a job. That I liked! Or had something to do with what I am studying – communications – which you would think is so silly because isn’t the field oh-so-wide and really, just any job would require you to practice uh communicating, wouldn’t it, but noo Samantha was choosy and taking in factors such as proximity and monetary, I steadily rejected (and was rejected from) the choice of possible jobs I could take on during my 3 months (now 2 months) of semester break.

It didn’t help that I was feeling so confident during my study period, of landing a part time job of something I liked but just as the growing number of ignored emails, my panic grew.

Now I am scared of not being able to find a job when I graduate. A little premature I know, but then I’ve always been a little worried of the unknown future.

Oh yes, so point 2 basically meant I felt bloody useless and that life has no meaning blabla because I didn’t have a reason to wake up every morning. Moral lesson learnt: your job might be boring but at least it gives you a life’s aim whatever it may be, whether to get better pay or a better job. It might also be as simple as finishing that small pile of work, useless in the grand scheme of life but necessary to keep you going everyday.

And no, regardless of what I always complain when it’s assignment period, I really do not want to spend my life sleeping and just go on facebook and twitter the whole day. Because I know, having gone through it myself (not meaning to make it sound so cliche), that there’s nothing worse than living without a purpose.

**

My turning point came when one night I cried it all out to a family member, who sat with me and gave me a pep talk that lasted until 3am. It gave me a few important things to remember throughout my whole life, family and life in general-related.

I realise that you may think you are all grown up and independent now, but really, that’s why they say that one cannot and should not stop learning or even growing up.

**

I went out with a friend, to whom I casually mentioned needing a job and a week later, she introduced me to stage managing a theatre play. Like, how many non-theatre people would get a chance like that? It was truly an opportunity I appreciated, this something different I tried.

So now I had a job. Yay to spending the last month of my break doing something instead of just bumming around gaining weight spending money I didn’t have mrgreen

**

Being in the lowest of the lowest, there was nowhere else to go but up. To cut things short, I met gingerbread boy whom it turns out, brought the sunshine back into the dreary sky. wink

**

You’d think that a young 19 year-old girl with all that she could ask for: family, friends and almost-full independence would be very happy and content. I don’t know myself the reason of being the way I am now. Is the boredom of routine getting to me, because I am just wishing for a different life. A life of where money is not needed to get things that I want, where no inconsiderate people cut queues, no bosses treat you like shit just because they pay you (oh doesn’t that sound just like life?) and I get to do something truly substantial and useful.

Something world-changing, something that stays on forever and ever after I leave the world.

But maybe after we travel the world? cool

We all want what we can’t have. My daily reminder mantra since like, forever?

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