Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
"But was that not the fate of so many of us? Most people who made their way to work each day, who sat in offices or factories, doing something which probably did not vary a lot - pushing pieces of paper about or moving things from one place to another - these people might equally well look at their lives and ask what the point was."
"Or should one really not ask their question, simply because the question in itself was a pointless one? Perhaps there was no real point to our existence - or none that we could discern - and that meant that the real question that had to be asked was this: How can I make my life bearable? We are here whether we like it or not, and by and large we see to have a need to continue. In that case, the real question to be addressed is: How are we going to make the experience of being here as fulfilling, as good as possible?" The World According To Bertie, Alexander McCall Smith.
AMS, you read my mind.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Pg 49, Evening Is The Whole Day - Preeta Samarasan
Thursday, November 3, 2011
It is the end of times;
it is the start of life.
It is a time for goodbyes;
it is a time for fresh hellos.
It is a time for changes;
it is a time to persist and hold on to your dreams.
Time for us to charge in head-on, my friends. Be ready, world.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Life…is all about the ups and downs, isn’t it?
It was all good for a while, then something comes crashing down all around you to bring you back to earth. Then a little high, and a little low.
The trick is to enjoy the highs, and to learn from the lows.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Today I saw the prettiest thing ever. Amazing how I have lived 21 years without knowing the existence of this miraculous creature.
Picture source: http://pixdaus.com
The Glasswinged butterfly (Greta oto) is a brush-footed butterfly. The wings are translucent, with a wingspan of 5.6 to 6.1 cm.
Its most common English name is glasswinged butterfly, and its Spanish name is "espejitos", which means "little mirrors." Indeed, the tissue between the veins of its wings looks like glass, as it lacks the coloured scales found in other butterflies.
The opaque borders of its wings are dark brown sometimes tinted with red or orange, and its body is dark in colour. (Source: Wikipedia)
What’s amazing is how such a tiny, precious and dainty creature could survive on its on in the wild. It gives me hope.
Have you ever felt like this? That all that you have believed in all these while, turn out to be a lie? That all you thought it was to be was actually a joke, you being the smack centre of the joke?
Did you know that even the smallest of things result in an effect, however unlikely? Did you know that the beating of a pretty little butterfly’s wings can cause a whirlwind in the quiet mountains of the Himalayas? Did you know that the second you make a decision and decide on a path, the gears clocks into action, consequences immediately making their initial unsuspecting appearances into the huge mess of the end that will occur one day.
Did you know that when you chose to do what you did, that it would end up the way it has, or will? That you have destroyed lives, killed dreams, wasted precious hopes, and made a bit of the world a whole lot uglier? Or did you pretend that the opposite would occur instead; that everybody would end up happy, smiling, spreading positive vibes to all newborn babies that the world is indeed a happy heaven of love and experience, instead of a depressing journey of constant downhill leading to sure death?
Did you know that? Or did you told yourself otherwise and pretended not to know?
Have you ever imagined what it’s like to do things without having to worry about the consequences? Because the naive innocent girl over here has spent all her life worrying about trivial things like these, when people like you proudly show us that it is clearly irrelevant.
Pfft, and I thought I was the cleverest of them all.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
I'm not stupid.
Unfortunately even being a genius in this case does not help with anything. And sometimes it's just the way it is.
This is the one time I wish I was dumb and ignorant. Like they say, ignorance is bliss. “What you don't know cannot hurt you.”
It's amazing when I think of how you've survived so many years as a living breathing human being, when I think of your simple-mindedness. Perhaps you are right though. Perhaps all we need to get on in life is the ability to take it all with a pinch of salt.
Perhaps I need to learn to take things a little less seriously.
Monday, July 18, 2011
If palmistry information on this site is to be believed, then I am:
a) Idealistic, dependent on partner, stressful, intellectually-bent, intertwined relationships, karmic relationships (??)
b) Ambitious, excellent memory (but apparently fading memory towards the end?), materialistic, mental confusion (whut?)
c) Good health/vitality, smooth life, life path is multifold.
d) Fate is “failures, disappointments, struggle, indecisiveness”. Ah.
e) Absence of fame line.
f) Two significant relationships.
g) Either no children, or there will be 6? Uh…
h) Health is not an issue.
i) Broken bracelets lines indicate ill health or lowering of chi energies. (Conflicting information?)
j) Quite a fair bit of travel lines, which means I may travel much/have the desire to travel.
k) Ultra-sensitive. …indicates a need for shielding or creating emotional boundaries.
Quite a positive reading I would say, though just average. Now, if I were to look at my right palm instead of the left, it might show something else in addition.
I am still torn between thinking of myself as an owner of a fascinating Simian Crease. I do have a straight line on my right hand, but conflictingly I also have a third heart line, which is supposedly not present in true Simian lines. However if that is the case, then I may be a ‘highly intelligent, highly evolved person blessed with gifts of extremism, intensity and stamina’.
Palmists, what do you think?
BUT reading on, apparently people with Simian Creases are always doing a lot more than others, having either ‘on’ or ‘off’ energy (very true), and always feeling misunderstood. Not gonna mention the part (okay I’m mentioning it now) where ‘others can’t keep up’ cos it’s perasan-ish but I do think it’s pretty true in my case. Or maybe I’m just damn impatient.
The site says that I may also ‘come across as cold and aloof when you think you are being considerate’. Yes yes yes! Most of the time it’s because I just don’t have a smiley face, it’s not that I hate you so much I don’t even care to look at you. (-Information quoted from here)
However in palmistry, just like horoscopes, you just have to take all the coincidences with a pinch of salt, believe in all the ‘good stuff’ and scoff at the bad ones!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Seventeen months ago, I made a list of Things To Do In The Near Future.
1. Taste a macaroon. > done. (Singapore March 2010)
2. Get a tiny tattoo. > Still chickening out.
3. Go on a reaaally scary rollercoaster with you. > done. In fact, we got on a few that day, which was really more than enough for you I think.
4. Go on a day foodie trip. > done. (Malacca March 2011)
5. Go on a long faraway holiday. > done.
6. Catch the sunbeam one misty morning. > done. (I would have at least one sporadic early morning insomnia moment in seventeen months, wouldn’t I?)
7. Attend a Zee Avi and/or Joanna Wang performance. > No.
8. Start a photo blog. > I guess tumblr doesn’t really count does it?
9. Get a camera. > done, almost instantaneously after the post itself. Love my G11 still even after seventeen months.
And the 10th thing as an afterthought, here.
10. Meet the entire cast of Grey’s Anatomy. > uh…
Six out of ten in seventeen months isn’t that bad isn’t it? New list coming up!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
On nights like these, I think of all the times you made me cry. I think of all the arguments (although rare) we had. I remember the days when I am actually mad at you but pretended that everything’s fine. I remember all the hurt, all the suspicions I had, all the times I closed my eyes and told myself that everything was perfect. I remember thinking how unlike you were compared to me, how I could never get you to talk about things that really mattered. I remember how I really wanted to tell you how lost I was, but you did not understand. On nights like these, I recall the unhappy moments.
Because otherwise I would cry thinking of all the other moments.
There’s something strangely perfect about taking a photo through a dirty window. It’s telling you that although things may seem just so hopeless at the moment, all you need to do is wind down the window to see everything as it really is.
Speaking of photographs, funny how people base how happy you are on the photos they see. They don’t know that photographs are the worst form of expression; that what you see in a photograph is almost always not true at the moment. How in the moment the photographer turns his camera to you an artificial grin would automatically light up your face. That the second he clicks the camera the world stops, capturing forever the moment of deception. And how a second right after that the world goes back to how it was before.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
It’s funny how we can say certain things without truly knowing what they really mean. We hear stories of abused women and shake our heads at their reluctance to leave their abusers. We think that the young men and women who commit suicide these days because they were left by their partners as really silly, that in being ‘overly dramatic’ sadly in this case had no turning back. We have heard of old rich parents who are still paying for their adult children’s living welfare even when their children are perfectly healthy and able to make a living on their own.
In these cases, we would mutter behind our newspapers “Stupid woman”, or “Kids these days…” or something to this effect, then promptly forget about it. We secretly pat ourselves on our back for
knowing thinking that “If it was to happen to me, I would take it like a strong man/woman and come out of it easily.” I mean, it’s common sense right, to not have to so dramatically resort to suicide just because a girl did not want you anymore when you are still young? Or that it would be sensible to leave your abuser partner because your friends and family would support your decision.
Until it happens to you.
Sadly I am experiencing first hand something that I have for all my life thought impossible. I’ve always thought I was strong enough to take rejection and a sudden major change in my life. It turns out that I am, and have been a weakling the entire time.
What do you call constant sadness and unhappiness, or at best staring away into space even when you’re surrounded by so many people? What do you call crying at night when you’re alone even when there’s no reason to do so? What do you say is the problem when one feels like letting go of all responsibilities the person has in the world because she feels that the time to leave is nearby?
I’ve read stories where the loved ones of the recently deceased saying that they have been acting ‘differently’ the past few days, as if they know that their time is coming. But what if I am prepared for that, and it does not come? Will I have to sit by the window day after day in an endless wait for a swift and innocent departure from all the unhappiness?
You might say that in time I will learn to forget and live again. Believe me when I say that I truly want to. However I have tried and tried and not succeeded. Waiting is not something I am good at; something must be done soon before I ruin everything else.
The problem is I do not know what.
Click on the photos to view it better.
This old lady was sitting opposite me in the tuk tuk-like vehicle. Couldn’t resist a picture of her looking so lost in thought.
@yokoono ‘John used to say "I love you" every day. I didn't understand then, how lucky I was.’ - Source
"I dont think that we're meant to understand it all the time. I think that sometimes we just have to have faith." - Nicholas Sparks (A Walk to Remember)
Monday, June 20, 2011
Two AM. Sprawled on the couch. Legs splaying without a care in the world; one on the couch another dangling over the floor. Body turned lazily towards the laptop hanging by the edge of the couch, she stares at the non-moving Twitter page. A Fond Farewell playing on iTunes. Arms stretched up above the head to sort out the kinks. No emotions displaying on her face. Her mind is blank. Perhaps she is physically tired, perhaps she is mentally exhausted.
She is afraid. Today as she laid on the bed, she realized that she couldn’t remember much. The memories were really a lifetime ago.
She thought, “This is all wrong.”
This is not what’s supposed to happen.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Photographs. They are a great moment-capturing tool, trapping within it’s 4” x 6” frame the particular scene of the person or people in that particular place, expressions and emotions varying. One two snap, clock ticks on. The subject in the photo laughs, leaves the scene with the photographer. Time ticks on. The scene changes, people grow up and change, emotions flow and never return.
Then one day, the photographer goes through his photographs and stumbles across the one taken that day many years ago when the sun was shining a little brighter, when the skies were bluer, when the wind was blowing softly through her hair. The sparkle in her eyes as she grins at the camera, posing before the landmark. The unknown man in the background, shielding his face a little too late from the camera. A moment to look back on when things are so much different. A precious moment to hold on for a lifetime.
You ask yourself, whatever happened to the people in the photographs? What have they been doing ever since the photo was taken? From the second the camera snapped, trillions of their cells have died and regenerated, changing the person a little by little from inside until many years later they are a completely different person, although they may look the same. Day to day emotions affecting them, gathering in their minds until it collects into a giant mess of life-changing moment. Until one day you see her on the street, looking quite the same with the same cute mole on her left shoulder but yet, not quite. Would you go back home, look at the photograph and regret? Regret what exactly I can’t say. Would you stand and curse the world, curse Time, curse Change? Would you just sit back and accept everything as it comes, or will you pray for the impossible: to go back into the past?
Would you be happy with what you have achieved your entire life when you are old, grey and eighty? Or would you close your eyes and pray for death to come quiet and swift and take you away from a lifetime of pain and regrets?
It is better to know and fight for what you love than to have Time come without a warning and break your heart into tiny little pieces that cannot be put back together no matter how the king’s horses and men try.
The running thought of the night is mysterious and saddening; nobody ever wants it on anyone and yet it does happen to, as I believe, everyone.
I am pondering the intrinsic nature of humans to cope with loss. The immediate want to prevent more damage and hurt to the human body and mind due to extreme unhappiness, anger or whatever the loss of another human being causes is snuffled almost naturally and unconsciously. Whether it is a biological impulsion due to shock, the want to ‘black it out’ and pretend everything’s fine or (the most frightful thought of all) that we truly are healing, it just proves that time can change many things.
The initial thought that came to my mind when I lost someone recently was that “I’ll never ever cope with it. I’ll die.” And for a moment, I truly believed (and hoped) so. I believed that I could never ever recover from it, that the inside me is dying slowly but surely. That I will go to sleep one night and never wake up again. Death from a broken heart.
It is normal to think such thoughts. Recently I read on a website dealing with depression where people have lost loved ones in death or separation, and what they were all facing were similar. Sleeplessness, constant tears, sadness, losing the ability to deal with daily duties, and some even worse things which you can only imagine for someone who has to deal with a sudden major change in her life.
If you know the full story, you might scoff and say that my problem is a small fish, that there are many more people in this world worse off than I am. And yes I do admit that, I am not the worst of the lot and my current situation is being held up by several factors I am lucky to have, and yet I can’t help but feel at certain times that I am. Do excuse a young woman dealing privately with the first major loss in her life.
And would you believe me if I say that I really do not want anyone’s comfort, that I would prefer to deal with this alone? I would appreciate if you are aware of situation, whether the full story, half a story or even have just the slightest inkling of what I am going through, yet to not say a thing to my face. Please do not text, email or communicate in any sense to me that you know how I feel and want me to feel better. It’s strange how I would prefer if the world just to go on as it was, that everyone believes me to be happy all the time and never feel down. If I had it my way, I would be the queen of heartless who “doesn’t give a damn/for the ordinary woman/or the common man”.
That is why I find comfort in people who equally hate the same thing as I do: feeble-mindedness and an impassive attitude to succeed in some form in life.
The latter only if you aren’t planning to stay on long, and an issue that I am currently in conflict with.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sometimes when it’s late and the skies have been dark for hours, the air quiet and still; when you close your eyes you can just imagine, just pretend for a few seconds, that everything is okay. That everything is back to just how it was before, back when it was all perfect.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Have you ever felt strongly about something before, and strangely could not find the words to describe it? No, sad just doesn’t quite cut it. And yet deeply disturbed somehow lacks the emotions that I want to project. What happens when words, a trusty saviour of most events does not rise up to the occasion? What happens when you really need to tell someone how you feel, then you try every single word you know exist and yet, fail to project to the other party what you really, really wanted to say. And unfortunately in real life things are not like a blackboard; you cannot just erase them with a duster and try to start all over again. Therefore they say, choose your words wisely for you can never take them back.
But I digress. We might all have experienced at one time difficulty in self-expression, but what about the other way round? Have you ever had difficulty experiencing a particular emotion, a particular description of feelings?
Have you ever read in a book where the mother laments the death of her only son, and very truly felt her grief? Have you ever seen a movie where the lover was abandoned and felt her deep pain and sorrow? Sure, we all cry watching and reading sob stories, but do we actually feel what they feel? When you finish the story, wipe away the final tear and close the book, does the final expression of the protagonist stay with you throughout the day, or does it evaporate into the dust together with the firm and imperative closure of the novel?
Some people say, “I understand what you’re going through”. I sometimes do that too to make myself seem more empathic to the other person’s situation before going on a rant about how I think they should handle it the situation. I do not know how others take my ‘advice’, although well-intentioned, because I certainly do not agree when others tell me that they understand what I am going through. The reason being no two circumstances are similar, and throw in the mix the very different and unique people and you get a whole different situation.
Therefore in such situations, you can find that the usual rules do not apply for the words that describe the feelings. No, sad for when someone’s father passed away is not the same as the sad someone failing their test. Angry is not the same when one’s husband cheats on them as compared to an angry mother whose son had misbehaved.
What a good counsellor-friend can do for a friend who seems emotional is to find out the true story behind those feelings, before trying to appease those emotions. I should also mention that for people (like me) who prefers to heal privately, perhaps it would be a good idea to sit down in a quiet place and meditate on our feelings and find out the real reason why we are feeling this way. Am I angry that I failed my test, or am I only angry because my friends didn’t seem to care? And sadly we might find that the true reason we are feeling this way is because of a deeper reason that we are trying to avoid admitting, because it hurts way too much than what we are telling ourselves.
Believe me, it hurts more to know that the true reason he left is because he stopped loving, not because of a third party.
I have not reached the part where our hearts actually start recovering and healing, so I shall stop right here at discovering. I don’t know how long it will take, but believe me when I say that I will once again stand up tall.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Should I become a ghost with feelings and forced to stay on Earth for a bit, what would I regret?
*15 minutes later*
Looks like either it’s too late for any serious reflection, or I’ve lived my life to the fullest potential = nothing else to live for.
PS – On further thought, I’ll probably regret not having gone for a manicure before. They’re always so bloody exp and I can do a good job myself, since I don’t like anything too fancy. But I guess it’s pretty nice to be pampered once in a while.
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly”
- Vanilla Twilight (Owl City)
“Cause all of the stars have faded away
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out”
- Stop Crying Your Heart Out (Oasis)
“Why does the one you love
Become the one who makes you want to cry”
- How (Maroon 5)
“So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.”
- The Saltwater Room (Owl City)
“You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye”
- The Call (Regina Spektor)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Most of you are unfortunate to be unable to enjoy the privilege of reading my tweets which I have to admit are sometimes really ahem profound spur-of-the-moment observations, though mostly are irrelevant (but interesting!) information. Therefore I’ve decided to share some random tweets which made up for a month of May that I am undecided about whether to love or hate.
Was being a bimbo for the last 10 minutes. Felt good though!
U know the scene where regina starts her crazy screaming frenzy when she found out cady betrayed her? Yep im screaming like that now.
From all the tweets I gather that the world is ending Saturday. Which is uh now? *awkward*
Can i get a nose job for my 21st? << no seriously, can someone sponsor me?
I have a feeling somebody injected endorphines into the bottle of goats milk body soap :S
Am I the only girl who imagines bumping into a celeb crush who happens to be in Msia, after which he falls in <3 w me & then we get married?
I've thought about it a lot and decided that there are more sad people than happy ones in this world.
I made my first ever purchase of a lipstick this afternoon. #grownup
Steven Hyde is hot! Why dont i know anyone like that?
Is it me or are bicycles reaaally skinny these days?
Survived 1st bootcamp session! Top 3 (from bottom) for 2-lap run, 15 push ups, 10 grunts, 15 crunches (x3). Completed mile run in 14.10!
I swear, a hot muscly russian model just walked past me. *faints*
It's devastating to find out things you wish you nvr knew. However it's inexpressibly heartbreaking to find someone you wish you never knew.
RT @sheenaliam I don't really take good care of myself, I just exist and survive.
Conclusion: Just shut up and be happy.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Do you own an Android phone and wish for a social application to locate your friends, keep up with events, send and receive messages for free and get directions to far off places?
Well the solution is here with the Fthat app!
A little background on the project: Five Taylor’s Bachelor of Computer Science students namely Tey Pok Lin, Sarmad Sangi, Yoon Jin Park (Dennis), Goh Pui Leng (Derrial) and Lee Khuan Yew worked with their mentor, Ms. Aidora Abdullah to collaborate with Celcom AxiataBerhad for the Mobile Application Development Project. Therefore the Fthat application was developed!
Fthat is an Android-based mobile application that allows users to locate their Facebook friends and keep up with Facebook events around them, send and receive messages for free, and get directions via Waypoint.
On the 12th of May 2011, Fthat presented their business model and mobile application to a panel of judges from Celcom and they were all amazed at the quality of the application and the students’ presentation skills. Some of the comments include “All apps do not look like students’ projects; it looks like real developers’ projects”, “Fantastic applications and presentations”, “The apps developed are better than some real developer’s work” and “The apps have very high potential for commercialization”. Woah, if only I have an Android :(
However if YOU have an Android, you can already download the beta version of the mobile application at http://fthat.tk
Here are the five Taylor’s students together with their mentor. Like their Facebook page at http://facebook.com/fthatmobileapp to give them support!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
When you look at someone, what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
Is it the colour of their skin, their facial and physical features, the type of clothes they wear or the manner in which they speak?
Stereotyping is one of the most common misconceptions of the people around us, as they are simply based on first impressions and prior assumptions.
Come join us in our exploration of the many stereotypes on your very own campus with Dr Adnan Omar from the Taylor's Counseling and Psychological Services Centre.
Date: 26th May 2011
Time: 10.30am - 12.00pm
Venue: Block E, Level 4, Classroom E4-10, Taylor’s Lakeside Campus
Organized by The Pips, we are Semester 5 Public Relations (2) students and this event is part of our coursework, so I do hope you’ll come and give us your support!
The classroom will only fit about 30, so please come early to book a seat. There will also be an interesting activity during the talk which I promise will be an eye-opener.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Today I want to rave about the bestest version of my favourite classic lime margarita which i discovered just yesterday night: it is the smooth ice blended margarita!
Not sure whether it’s exactly the same in other places but this was in La Bodega (I vow to try their breakfast set one of these days.)
I promise it is much much more enjoyable than the usual shaken version!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
OK the plan is simple. You’ll let me know when he is planning to come down to Malaysia, and I will arrange for an ‘accidental orange juice bump’ with him at the airport. He’ll straightaway fall in love with me then bring me back to the US and we’ll make lots and lots of uh videos.
The best part is that he sounds like a reaaaaaaally nice guy. Really my kind lor.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
When you take a not too careful sip of hot Milo, chances are you will scald your tongue. The aftermath is more annoying than really painful, but it’s long-lasting; eight hours later you can still feel the numbing uncomfortable scalding ache. Like nursing a broken relationship that you know will never mend, or in a fit of anger blurting the wrong thing to your best friend, some things you will discover with an painful ache in the depths of your heart, you can never ever truly recover from. The things in question may not be on purpose, like the accidental scalding of the hot drink on your tongue, but nonetheless has already happened. It may be the fates of Heaven or it may be pure incidental, but nevertheless has come to pass no matter how much you wish it never did. No matter how much you pray for time to go back to just days before, or for people to really take back their words, for relationships to mend perfectly and not leave a scar…it will never happen. One may wish with all their might, pray the entire day, vow to do good, just so that things will go back to the way it did before, but deep down inside one knows the sad truth.
Why do people do the things they do? Why do we make one another upset? Why do we say angry things when we sometimes don’t mean it? Why do we ironically want the ones who don’t love us and ignore the ones who do? Why do human beings even want? What is the point of giving love when it can be freely rejected?
What happens when you’re stuck and don’t know how to go on? What happens when, despite having a lousy time you actually don’t want to go on?
It is a sad day when one wakes up to find all their hopes and dreams missing.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I want to write more on this but maybe after I'm done with my more pressing assignments.
I love the end of semesters; everybody's so busy busy buhbusy.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
1. Finish up all my assignments for the semester.
2. Get a cat.
3. Clear out my wardrobe.
4. Write a will.
5. Take more photos.
6. Write more.
7. Swim every weekend.
8. Take on lesser responsibilities, more “me” time.
9. Go on more trips and breaks.
10. Never forget.
Night out with the two of my BFFs! Don’t worry, no terrible post-drunk photos of anyone to laugh at.
I have the most gorgeous friends with the longest legs!
I love the smell of my silver glitter clutch. Just kidding, it’s really a liqour flask.
Why is the below picture relevant? Only to show the efforts girls take to dress from top to bottom, and from the tips of our hair til the last toenail. At the end of the night, two pairs of the three above have somehow attained broken straps. Plus mine almost made me sprain my ankle, right in the middle of the streets of KL.
In other news, the funghi pizza in modestos is “teh bombz”!
Today I decided to fight for my happiness. I’ve had a most stressful and busy year and realized that there’s plenty of time for work and responsibilities when I start working. No point making myself unhappy for the sake of ‘titles’, premature responsibilities and spending time doing things that I don’t like to.
I’m sorry if I let you down but I’ve finally realized that there is no meaning to life at all if I can’t be happy doing what I do. And I’ve been unhappy plenty enough.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
After spending a terrible sleepless night due to a mysterious dull pain on my right shoulder during which I had woken up every hour to apply my ever trusty Counterpain (which unfortunately did help for only ten minutes before wearing off) I woke up this morning feeling like shit. Had some plans for the day but was seriously considering just staying home. However I knew that it would be for the best if I did not stay home to mope the entire day, so I quite reluctantly left for uni.
It wasn’t the best of weather; the sun was blazing hot and there was a bad haze which made me feel worse than ever. I spent a torturous two hours in the lecture hall where I tried my best to not doze off despite me feeling so extremely tired. I was also sniffling as the flu had decided to visit. It didn’t help that the room was so cold, that I didn’t had anything to eat or drink before, and I was surprised I managed to come out of the hall at 2pm still alive. I hurried off to get some currypuffs to fill my tummy and a bottled water before rushing off to Subang to meet my Grandma who was bringing me to the hair saloon.
I was not in the best of moods, was already sporting a red nose and spending an impatient 5 hours smelling toxic hair products made me feel like death. It did not help that I wanted quiet but unfortunately I did not get quiet. Also the hair did not turn out as expected. But I was too tired to do anything about it.
Went home, screamed and made somebody mad, did something I wish I did not do and missed someone greatly. Certainly there were also other factors which made today a day I wouldn’t want to go through again, but I do really hope to get a hold on my impatient side and learn that even if one is really tired and not feeling well, it’s not an excuse to be rude.
It’s just so hard though. To practice patience when one is thoroughly irritated, feeling so sickish AND on an empty stomach, and having spent a really lousy day. Or month.
And the worst part is, I feel a throbbing on my right shoulder now again…
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Today I realized that in all regards, I have been very lucky. And blessed.
Hard work does play a part but definitely being blessed is the major reason of me being able to wake up every day. Of course I don’t get every single thing that I want, but what I do have is more than many.
Now if only I can start learning to be happy…
Sunday, May 8, 2011
And most of all, why even bother? When you know that the end will definitely come?
The worst part is that I actually look forward to (a normal painless accidental) death because then I won't have to bother with whatever 'trials and errors' that life throws to us, whatever success that I will see after 30 years of toil, children that I've spent a difficult 20 years to raise...
What is the point of everything when right now I don't feel that anything is worth living for?
I don't mean to sound so depressed & emotional; I've just reached the point in life where I want to question, well, life itself. And this is where the book of Ecclesiastes comes in.
I've not read the Bible in a long time. Yes, I'm aware of this particular chapter but I don't think I paid it any more attention than the ones with the 'interesting stories', just because it wasn't relevant to me. Not yet anyway. My NIV Thompson Student Bible says that the book of Ecclesiastes is writter for 'those who seek meaning and significance in life, especially young people.'
You cannot get any closer than that. This book was written around 3000 years ago for ME at THIS moment in my life.
The conclusion (allow me to fast forward a little) is that God ultimately is the reason for a fulfilling life. Which is what I came out with in my 'existentially alive' post on March 12! I just haven't had the faintest idea how to proceed from my conclusion. Things just started going crazy, my life as I'd known had started to unravel, I was busy trying to fit back the pieces and I got distracted.
The book of Ecclesiastes starts off dramatically with a quote:
says the Teacher.
Everything is meaningless."
Much as I appreciate his dramatic understanding for my situation, I feel that fortunately, I'm still sane enough to know that my life, at least, is not 'that' bad.
The author (may have been Solomon) continues discussing the monotony of life (that's me), the search for happiness (this too!), the weariness of life (umm this is getting creepy) and more (all relatable to me), ending with the most important: author's conclusion. No point complaining about how useless everything is when we don't get a solution in the end.
"Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgement,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil."
Today I registered for Kingdom Keys in my church. At least we're starting somewhere.
I started off reading this book today when my dad showed me a quote about preferring death to life. However when I actually started reading this book I couldn't find the particular quote which I felt at that time was so relevant to me. What I found was actually the solution for my situation:
"So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. The joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun." 8:14-15
"-then I saw all that God has done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it." 8:16-17
What I've learnt is simply 'to obey God while also being happy on Earth'. It may sound near impossible seeing that everyone has to reach a point in life where they feel that there's just no point anymore, but try hard we must to enjoy what has already been given to us: the gift of precious life itself.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
"Never regret anything because at some point you wanted it".
Personally, I never regret most of the things I do, even if the results are not what I want. It is because I know I have tried my best, and if I know I did not, it is because I never intended to.
And I never intended to live a regret-filled life.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I would like to thank my helpful Book Club committee members: Siew Ling, Yoong Jian, Sarah, Raffi, Mei Hsuan and Daniel Thomas. Much appreciation to our lovely emcee Li May who did a great job even though preparation was last minute. Also gracious thanks to the wonderful Expert Forum committee led by Ms Usha, with Mr Winston, Mr Justin Victor, Mr Justin Lopez, Ms Ngim, Ms Catherine Lee Cheng Kiat and everyone else who helped even with the smallest things. Thank you to Student Development Hub Ms Faith and Mr Ronson for their kind advice. Special thanks to Ben who helped me with the fantabulous speech although yes I do think I would need coaching on public speaking. Thank you to all the media who attended our event (though I wasn’t aware that there would be some). But a definite infinite thanks to all of YOU who took the time off to attend our event.
And of course, for kindly attending our humble event and sharing with us practical real life experience and advice on journalism, a big Thank You to Datin Paduka Marina Mahathir.
More pictures to come!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
What should young writers do in this time of political and social turbulence?
Learn to take charge by incorporating it in your actions and writing.
There is a Q&A session after the talk. This event is open to the public as well but priority given to Taylor's students.
Datin Paduka Marina Mahathir is a writer, women's rights and HIV/AIDS activist and TV producer. She served as the President of the Malaysian AIDS Council for 12 years from 1993-2005. In addition Marina has served on many regional and international HIV/AIDS bodies including the AIDS Society of Asia and the Pacific (ASAP), UNIAIDS and the Asia Pacific Leadership Forum on HIV and Development (APLF). Currently she is a member of the Board of Sisters in Islam.
Marina also writers a fortnightly column on social issues in a local English-language daily as well as online, produces a TV programme for young women and writers and speaks regularly on women's issues particularly where it relates to Islam, gender and HIV/AIDS. She is also an avid blogger with her on blog,www.rantingsbymm.blogspot.com, and a Twitterer (@netraKL) and Facebooker.
This event is organised by Taylor's Book Club and the Expert Forum of the School of Communication with the approval of the Student Development Hub.
Check out the facebook event page.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Watched Big Fish again today as the rain poured outside, comforted with bowls of hot porridge. Always amazes me how people’s imagination can go so far, so colourful, so dreamlike.
It’s funny how I know many people, but there is only a handful that I like to talk to. I can laugh with and spend a nice five minute chat with most people but there are only a few that I would love to sit down and have a nice pillow talk with the whole night. I have found only a few who truly clicks with me, to whom I won’t mind baring all (my thoughts, that is), who shares the same worries as me, who loves the same things in life: a good book, hot chocolate, rainy weather, and solitude.
And maybe cats?
So far I have not found the one who writes for love, sings for sorrow and cries with me.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Going through our old photos back when we were much happier.
Realized that if things have to change, I will accept it with open arms. If fate says that we are supposed to end up with somebody else somewhere else, then so be it.
Because nobody can take away what we once had.
Maroon 5 in Stadium Putra, Kuala Lumpur on April 29th! (Which just ended barely 3 hours ago) Am quite glad I decided to go for the concert, seeing as I can finally cross off an item in my bucket list, as well as spend a night swooning over one of my most favourite bands in the world!
Yes I made this, but I did not bring it down from the car :(
I was in Arena B, the free standing zone behind the VIP seats. Above is the place before it was filled up, below is when (finally) one hour later.
Concert was scheduled to start at 9PM; however I reached the venue and started lining up from 5.30PM onwards! Li May and I ended up lining up until 8PM+ when they decided to open the doors and many late comers cut queue – so unfair! But I didn’t really care as we were really quite front anyway.
We ended up on the second row of the free standing zone – which made the whole concert quite bearable. Can’t imagine those standing really behind, what can they see?
I predicted that they would start with Misery…and they did!
Was quite tired with all the waiting and standing, but am still glad I made the effort to see them. They played some of my favourite songs from the older albums such as The Sun, Wake Up Call and Shiver. (Not to mention the more popular ones like Not Going Home Without You, She Will Be Loved) Couldn’t really believe it when they played Shiver and not many people sang along to it…as though they don’t know it. Pfft, and you call yourself fans?!
Songs from the new album included Stutter, Never Gonna Leave This Bed and Hands All Over.
Much as I like Adam, I found that his pronounciation was a little off – I couldn’t hear much of what he sang or said. Perhaps there was a problem with the mic, or my ears (girls screaming at the top of their lungs right beside your ears won’t help improve your hearing that’s for sure), but I really could not hear his singing most of the time. Unfortunate, as that was the point of the concert. Besides breathing the same air as him that is.
I don’t know what he’s trying to do here, but he’s so cute anyway! So buff! #crazyfangirlmode
And here they are finally saying goodbye after one hour 45 minutes of really good entertainment.
Empty stage. Buh bye!
It was an enjoyable concert experience, one that I would only mind going through for a favourite band or artist. But there was a bunch of over enthusiastic girls who were really pushy and spoilt half the concert for me. Some of the people also held lighted lighters which I think was really dangerous as the people were so close together that something could easily catch fire – like a girl’s long hair for example.
Anyway better to forget the bad parts of the concert. At least I’ve survived it, with my hair still intact and not uh burnt!
Here I am with Li May, crazy Maroon 5 fan girls!
I actually painted my nails M-A-R-O-O-N-F-I-V-E (10 fingers!) but they came off at the end of the night before I managed to get a photo of them.
Really would like to see them perform again before they disband, and preferably at a smaller cosier venue.
I predict Maroon 5 overdose for the coming week…
If you needed love, well then ask for love
Could've given love, now I'm taking love
And it's not my fault, cause you both deserve
What's coming now, so don't say a word
Friday, April 29, 2011
Granted, it hasn’t been a very good week. However surprisingly I’m finding it easier than I thought, just by going on with a blank mind.
Driving with a blank mind.
Talking to people with a blank mind.
Watching TV with a blank mind.
Doing my essay with a blank mind. (Not easy!)
It’s just like taking a morphine injection to your brain.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
It’s funny how that at any age, we think that we know what’s best for us. We think that we know everything there is to know, that we are at the most mature point of our lives. Then we grow a little older, and think that now we are more mature. A little older, a little more mature. And so it goes on.
But until when? When would you be at the peak of your maturity, of knowledge, of experience? Perhaps it’s wrong to include experience in as it is definitely achieved at your oldest point in life (which is just before your death, I think). Okay then, when would you be most mature, most sane, most logical? Is it at the prime of your life – 40? Or at 55, the age of retirement? Or is it fresh out of graduation? (Very doubtful) Would it be after the first day of work, when you come back home exhausted and realizing how hard life will be for the next 40 years? That moment of unhappy revelation is coming sooner than later for me and I am NOT looking forward to it.
I am 20 going on 21 and am in my final year. After graduation next February, I am most likely not going to further my studies but have to step on the bandwagon of eternal slavery to the work industry (yes yes poor me). I spend many days worrying about what is going to happen, whether I would find the perfect job, whether the perfect job pays me nuts or oranges, and whether I would get fired on my first week. (Why so pessimistic Sam?) Okay I also wonder whether I’ll be stuck on a job just because I’m afraid of change, or whether it’ll take me to places I cannot imagine? The future, as I’ve discussed just yesterday, is as clear as the Klang River. And boys and girls, there is nothing that we can do about it, short of stealing a crystal ball from a gypsy and risk getting cursed for the next 10 generations.
But I digress. The topic of adults and maturity is one that I have debated and discussed many times (with myself) and have told myself many times that the conclusion is and will stay the same: that nobody ever achieves full perfection in terms of maturity and decision making, no matter how old or how experienced you may be.
How disappointing, you say, but I have learnt to come to terms with that fact. I have spent hours lamenting and praying that I am wrong, that somehow humans once reaching the age of, let’s say, 35, will have achieved the full enlightenment.
Unfortunately my prayers were not answered. I opened my eyes and saw that the world was still the same, the adults that I know are still behaving (sometimes) rather childishly and (many times) annoyingly to deserve a spank (now now no naughty jokes) like a 5-year old who has smeared chocolate all over my clean books.
No point asking me to give examples of the said childish acts as I believe that most if not all of us have come across someone who has acted that way, when you thought that they should not be doing it.
Okay okay I’ll give you an example since you’re really desperate to know. If you read through my old posts I once mentioned a politician lady who apparently attacked her daughter’s friend with a scissors because of some stupid argument. I will also mention another case (which I saw with my own eyes, and have blogged about it before) where the parents of a student in my school ‘kidnapped’ and violently hit a friend of mine because they had been arguing in school and blabla long story short: THESE ADULTS ARE STUPID!
The older I get, the more I see of older people doing things that even I know is wrong. It’s such a shameful disgrace to the human community in general. You ask, why do these people even exist? Don’t they have common sense? Don’t they know what’s the basic of right and wrong? Don’t they know that what children see, children do? Even if you are uneducated and have worked as a woodcutter or coal miner (been reading too much Aesop fables these days) all your life, you would definitely have been given natural common sense. RIGHT?
There are other examples that differ from the ones I said above, such as the ones that the answers might not be as clear or obvious. Such as knowing when to stop an argument in a relationship, whether to give it up or hold on tight to it. You’d think that we would naturally know what to do when the situation comes, but trust me, it is harder than it seems.
Nothing I wish for more than the full knowledge of what to do now.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
These past few days have been a fresh change. Not necessarily a positive change, but a change nonetheless. I am a Cancerian, a Creativist, a restless girl who does not like to be tied down (in other words, a free soul). I want to travel the world, I want to stay home to write, I want to be surrounded by people, I want to hide under the covers alone and read. I cannot make up my mind; I change it constantly like underwear. I want nothing, and everything else. But just like any other human beings I want love, I want care, I want assurance that everything will be fine. If it’s one thing I hate, it’s not knowing what will happen. Of course some of you will say that knowing the future spoils the fun, and what is life if you know what you’re gonna end up as? But I’m a planner, a calendar-lover, the behaviour stemmed from having to multi task my various projects and assignments. I want to know what’s up ahead. I want to plan my transport, my full schedule of the following day, or even the week ahead. I want to know what I will be doing, what I should start on first or which that I have time to push back. I want to know what there is to know about my future.
I want to know when I can afford to let everything go, and follow Death in his eternal path. I am an old soul in a restless young body.
I am not eager to die, yet I would not mind as I am always prepared. However if Life does not reveal its purpose to me sooner, I would beckon and welcome nothingness for I do not think it’s worthy to spend any more time on.
Have you ever wondered why the grass is green and not blue?
There is a destiny for every single thing, every single person, every knowledge deemed as fact by mankind, every myth debunked as illogical, every place named such. There is a reason why I am here, just as there is a reason why green is green and blue is named after the skies. Right now I’m feeling as awkward and useless as a giraffe in a schoolroom.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
A simple answer to why I crossed out the ‘people’ on the short profile top right of my blog:
In my 20 years and 9 months of life I’ve met enough rude, disappointing, cowardly, stupid people to put me off human beings for the rest of my life.
You’ll never meet someone who spends so much time Thinking like me…and that’s not a self-compliment.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
#1 A collection of cute candy which I gave it all away.
#2 Chicken chop meal at Butterworth, Penang.
#3Weekday night out at Sid’s with the uni gang.
#4 Beef & cheese at said place.
#5 Really dainty and fragile keychain, partly sponsored by the boy as one of the few V-Day presents he got me.
It was the first Valentine’s Day that I properly celebrated.