The running thought of the night is mysterious and saddening; nobody ever wants it on anyone and yet it does happen to, as I believe, everyone.
I am pondering the intrinsic nature of humans to cope with loss. The immediate want to prevent more damage and hurt to the human body and mind due to extreme unhappiness, anger or whatever the loss of another human being causes is snuffled almost naturally and unconsciously. Whether it is a biological impulsion due to shock, the want to ‘black it out’ and pretend everything’s fine or (the most frightful thought of all) that we truly are healing, it just proves that time can change many things.
The initial thought that came to my mind when I lost someone recently was that “I’ll never ever cope with it. I’ll die.” And for a moment, I truly believed (and hoped) so. I believed that I could never ever recover from it, that the inside me is dying slowly but surely. That I will go to sleep one night and never wake up again. Death from a broken heart.
It is normal to think such thoughts. Recently I read on a website dealing with depression where people have lost loved ones in death or separation, and what they were all facing were similar. Sleeplessness, constant tears, sadness, losing the ability to deal with daily duties, and some even worse things which you can only imagine for someone who has to deal with a sudden major change in her life.
If you know the full story, you might scoff and say that my problem is a small fish, that there are many more people in this world worse off than I am. And yes I do admit that, I am not the worst of the lot and my current situation is being held up by several factors I am lucky to have, and yet I can’t help but feel at certain times that I am. Do excuse a young woman dealing privately with the first major loss in her life.
And would you believe me if I say that I really do not want anyone’s comfort, that I would prefer to deal with this alone? I would appreciate if you are aware of situation, whether the full story, half a story or even have just the slightest inkling of what I am going through, yet to not say a thing to my face. Please do not text, email or communicate in any sense to me that you know how I feel and want me to feel better. It’s strange how I would prefer if the world just to go on as it was, that everyone believes me to be happy all the time and never feel down. If I had it my way, I would be the queen of heartless who “doesn’t give a damn/for the ordinary woman/or the common man”.
That is why I find comfort in people who equally hate the same thing as I do: feeble-mindedness and an impassive attitude to succeed in some form in life.
The latter only if you aren’t planning to stay on long, and an issue that I am currently in conflict with.