It’s funny how we can say certain things without truly knowing what they really mean. We hear stories of abused women and shake our heads at their reluctance to leave their abusers. We think that the young men and women who commit suicide these days because they were left by their partners as really silly, that in being ‘overly dramatic’ sadly in this case had no turning back. We have heard of old rich parents who are still paying for their adult children’s living welfare even when their children are perfectly healthy and able to make a living on their own.
In these cases, we would mutter behind our newspapers “Stupid woman”, or “Kids these days…” or something to this effect, then promptly forget about it. We secretly pat ourselves on our back for
knowing thinking that “If it was to happen to me, I would take it like a strong man/woman and come out of it easily.” I mean, it’s common sense right, to not have to so dramatically resort to suicide just because a girl did not want you anymore when you are still young? Or that it would be sensible to leave your abuser partner because your friends and family would support your decision.
Until it happens to you.
Sadly I am experiencing first hand something that I have for all my life thought impossible. I’ve always thought I was strong enough to take rejection and a sudden major change in my life. It turns out that I am, and have been a weakling the entire time.
What do you call constant sadness and unhappiness, or at best staring away into space even when you’re surrounded by so many people? What do you call crying at night when you’re alone even when there’s no reason to do so? What do you say is the problem when one feels like letting go of all responsibilities the person has in the world because she feels that the time to leave is nearby?
I’ve read stories where the loved ones of the recently deceased saying that they have been acting ‘differently’ the past few days, as if they know that their time is coming. But what if I am prepared for that, and it does not come? Will I have to sit by the window day after day in an endless wait for a swift and innocent departure from all the unhappiness?
You might say that in time I will learn to forget and live again. Believe me when I say that I truly want to. However I have tried and tried and not succeeded. Waiting is not something I am good at; something must be done soon before I ruin everything else.
The problem is I do not know what.