Monday, June 20, 2011

a lifetime ago

Two AM. Sprawled on the couch. Legs splaying without a care in the world; one on the couch another dangling over the floor. Body turned lazily towards the laptop hanging by the edge of the couch, she stares at the non-moving Twitter page. A Fond Farewell playing on iTunes. Arms stretched up above the head to sort out the kinks. No emotions displaying on her face. Her mind is blank. Perhaps she is physically tired, perhaps she is mentally exhausted.

She is afraid. Today as she laid on the bed, she realized that she couldn’t remember much. The memories were really a lifetime ago.

She thought,  “This is all wrong.”

This is not what’s supposed to happen.

Monday, June 13, 2011

captured

Photographs. They are a great moment-capturing tool, trapping within it’s 4” x 6” frame the particular scene of the person or people in that particular place, expressions and emotions varying. One two snap, clock ticks on. The subject in the photo laughs, leaves the scene with the photographer. Time ticks on. The scene changes, people grow up and change, emotions flow and never return.

Then one day, the photographer goes through his photographs and stumbles across the one taken that day many years ago when the sun was shining a little brighter, when the skies were bluer, when the wind was blowing softly through her hair. The sparkle in her eyes as she grins at the camera, posing before the landmark. The unknown man in the background, shielding his face a little too late from the camera. A moment to look back on when things are so much different. A precious moment to hold on for a lifetime.

You ask yourself, whatever happened to the people in the photographs? What have they been doing ever since the photo was taken? From the second the camera snapped, trillions of their cells have died and regenerated, changing the person a little by little from inside until many years later they are a completely different person, although they may look the same. Day to day emotions affecting them, gathering in their minds until it collects into a giant mess of life-changing moment. Until one day you see her on the street, looking quite the same with the same cute mole on her left shoulder but yet, not quite. Would you go back home, look at the photograph and regret? Regret what exactly I can’t say. Would you stand and curse the world, curse Time, curse Change? Would you just sit back and accept everything as it comes, or will you pray for the impossible: to go back into the past?

Would you be happy with what you have achieved your entire life when you are old, grey and eighty? Or would you close your eyes and pray for death to come quiet and swift and take you away from a lifetime of pain and regrets?

It is better to know and fight for what you love than to have Time come without a warning and break your heart into tiny little pieces that cannot be put back together no matter how the king’s horses and men try.

3 in the morning

Hello 3AM.

The running thought of the night is mysterious and saddening; nobody ever wants it on anyone and yet it does happen to, as I believe, everyone.

I am pondering the intrinsic nature of humans to cope with loss. The immediate want to prevent more damage and hurt to the human body and mind due to extreme unhappiness, anger or whatever the loss of another human being causes is snuffled almost naturally and unconsciously. Whether it is a biological impulsion due to shock, the want to ‘black it out’ and pretend everything’s fine or (the most frightful thought of all) that we truly are healing, it just proves that time can change many things.

The initial thought that came to my mind when I lost someone recently was that “I’ll never ever cope with it. I’ll die.” And for a moment, I truly believed (and hoped) so. I believed that I could never ever recover from it, that the inside me is dying slowly but surely. That I will go to sleep one night and never wake up again. Death from a broken heart.

It is normal to think such thoughts. Recently I read on a website dealing with depression where people have lost loved ones in death or separation, and what they were all facing were similar. Sleeplessness, constant tears, sadness, losing the ability to deal with daily duties, and some even worse things which you can only imagine for someone who has to deal with a sudden major change in her life.

If you know the full story, you might scoff and say that my problem is a small fish, that there are many more people in this world worse off than I am. And yes I do admit that, I am not the worst of the lot and my current situation is being held up by several factors I am lucky to have, and yet I can’t help but feel at certain times that I am. Do excuse a young woman dealing privately with the first major loss in her life.

And would you believe me if I say that I really do not want anyone’s comfort, that I would prefer to deal with this alone? I would appreciate if you are aware of situation, whether the full story, half a story or even have just the slightest inkling of what I am going through, yet to not say a thing to my face. Please do not text, email or communicate in any sense to me that you know how I feel and want me to feel better. It’s strange how I would prefer if the world just to go on as it was, that everyone believes me to be happy all the time and never feel down. If I had it my way, I would be the queen of heartless who “doesn’t give a damn/for the ordinary woman/or the common man”.

That is why I find comfort in people who equally hate the same thing as I do: feeble-mindedness and an impassive attitude to succeed in some form in life.

The latter only if you aren’t planning to stay on long, and an issue that I am currently in conflict with.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

late

Sometimes when it’s late and the skies have been dark for hours, the air quiet and still; when you close your eyes you can just imagine, just pretend for a few seconds, that everything is okay. That everything is back to just how it was before, back when it was all perfect.

Monday, June 6, 2011

words…are not all that I have

Have you ever felt strongly about something before, and strangely could not find the words to describe it? No, sad just doesn’t quite cut it. And yet deeply disturbed somehow lacks the emotions that I want to project. What happens when words, a trusty saviour of most events does not rise up to the occasion? What happens when you really need to tell someone how you feel, then you try every single word you know exist and yet, fail to project to the other party what you really, really wanted to say. And unfortunately in real life things are not like a blackboard; you cannot just erase them with a duster and try to start all over again. Therefore they say, choose your words wisely for you can never take them back.

But I digress. We might all have experienced at one time difficulty in self-expression, but what about the other way round? Have you ever had difficulty experiencing a particular emotion, a particular description of feelings?

Have you ever read in a book where the mother laments the death of her only son, and very truly felt her grief? Have you ever seen a movie where the lover was abandoned and felt her deep pain and sorrow? Sure, we all cry watching and reading sob stories, but do we actually feel what they feel? When you finish the story, wipe away the final tear and close the book, does the final expression of the protagonist stay with you throughout the day, or does it evaporate into the dust together with the firm and imperative closure of the novel?

Some people say, “I understand what you’re going through”. I sometimes do that too to make myself seem more empathic to the other person’s situation before going on a rant about how I think they should handle it the situation. I do not know how others take my ‘advice’, although well-intentioned, because I certainly do not agree when others tell me that they understand what I am going through. The reason being no two circumstances are similar, and throw in the mix the very different and unique people and you get a whole different situation.

Therefore in such situations, you can find that the usual rules do not apply for the words that describe the feelings. No, sad for when someone’s father passed away is not the same as the sad someone failing their test. Angry is not the same when one’s husband cheats on them as compared to an angry mother whose son had misbehaved.

What a good counsellor-friend can do for a friend who seems emotional is to find out the true story behind those feelings, before trying to appease those emotions. I should also mention that for people (like me) who prefers to heal privately, perhaps it would be a good idea to sit down in a quiet place and meditate on our feelings and find out the real reason why we are feeling this way. Am I angry that I failed my test, or am I only angry because my friends didn’t seem to care? And sadly we might find that the true reason we are feeling this way is because of a deeper reason that we are trying to avoid admitting, because it hurts way too much than what we are telling ourselves.

Believe me, it hurts more to know that the true reason he left is because he stopped loving, not because of a third party.

I have not reached the part where our hearts actually start recovering and healing, so I shall stop right here at discovering. I don’t know how long it will take, but believe me when I say that I will once again stand up tall.

27th

Happy birthday dear, with lots of hugs and kisses.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

a little midnight reflection on regret

IF I were to go out for, let’s say, a Ramli burger now (note that it’s 1.58AM, Saturday 4th June 2011) and after crossing the road, I step across the roach-infested drain and whomp! a giant tree branch falls on my head – and I die.

Should I become a ghost with feelings and forced to stay on Earth for a bit, what would I regret?

*15 minutes later*

Looks like either it’s too late for any serious reflection, or I’ve lived my life to the fullest potential = nothing else to live for.

OK goodbye.

PS – On further thought, I’ll probably regret not having gone for a manicure before. They’re always so bloody exp and I can do a good job myself, since I don’t like anything too fancy. But I guess it’s pretty nice to be pampered once in a while.

songs for the night

Some songs for a lovely quiet Friday night.
“I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly”

- Vanilla Twilight (Owl City)

“Cause all of the stars have faded away
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out”

- Stop Crying Your Heart Out (Oasis)

“Why does the one you love
Become the one who makes you want to cry”

- How (Maroon 5)

“So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.”

- The Saltwater Room (Owl City)

“You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye”

- The Call (Regina Spektor)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

little thoughts during the month of May

Most of you are unfortunate to be unable to enjoy the privilege of reading my tweets which I have to admit are sometimes really ahem profound spur-of-the-moment observations, though mostly are irrelevant (but interesting!) information. Therefore I’ve decided to share some random tweets which made up for a month of May that I am undecided about whether to love or hate.

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Woo hoo the rashes in my nostrils are in the drying and peeling stage! #tmi #youknowyouloveme

Was being a bimbo for the last 10 minutes. Felt good though!

Thanks everybody! :)http://bit.ly/j6wzo2 @limaymay @raffithng @meihsuanc @winstonlim

U know the scene where regina starts her crazy screaming frenzy when she found out cady betrayed her? Yep im screaming like that now.

From all the tweets I gather that the world is ending Saturday. Which is uh now? *awkward*

Can i get a nose job for my 21st? << no seriously, can someone sponsor me?

I have a feeling somebody injected endorphines into the bottle of goats milk body soap :S

Am I the only girl who imagines bumping into a celeb crush who happens to be in Msia, after which he falls in <3 w me & then we get married?

I've thought about it a lot and decided that there are more sad people than happy ones in this world.

I made my first ever purchase of a lipstick this afternoon. #grownup

Steven Hyde is hot! Why dont i know anyone like that?

Is it me or are bicycles reaaally skinny these days?

Survived 1st bootcamp session! Top 3 (from bottom) for 2-lap run, 15 push ups, 10 grunts, 15 crunches (x3). Completed mile run in 14.10!

I swear, a hot muscly russian model just walked past me. *faints*

It's devastating to find out things you wish you nvr knew. However it's inexpressibly heartbreaking to find someone you wish you never knew.

RT @sheenaliam I don't really take good care of myself, I just exist and survive.

Conclusion: Just shut up and be happy.

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